Chapter 50: Growing Up

           Mommy ran. She ran away from that monster, but his home was too big, too twisty, too dangerous. Mommy got trapped by the water. The terrible beast lunged at her. I imagined that a fight ensued, as I knew that my mommy could hold her own. The witness to the event had phoned the police right away, but nothing more could be done.
           No matter how strong mommy was, she was no match for him. The witness said that right as he went to bite mommy, she toppled back. Over the banister. Into the water.

           Exhausted from running and nearly unconscious from the battle, the weight of her clothes dragged her down. The water wasn't deep. But it was still deep enough. 

           It was better that way. At least she died painlessly. The alternative would've been the monster's meal.

           I shivered. The way the police told it all to us cut to the bone. Especially since they didn't know English very well. Tears leaked down my face gently and Harry quivered beside me. Wasn't denial the first stage of grief? Something like that. In any case, I wasn't believing it. When it showed up on the news, I was furious. When dad told me that they had extracted her body from the moat and would be cremated and returned home, I was petrified. 

           I felt so empty.

           Daddy cried so hard when he first found out. I didn't know what to do—normally he was the one that comforted me. Harry and I exchanged glances and made a silent agreement to stay strong for daddy. Twins like us could do that. 

           It didn't mean that I didn't sob at night when mommy didn't tuck me in and give me a kiss on the forehead goodnight. It didn't mean that my heart didn't break into two every time my dad started sobbing. Nothing dulled the pain of losing her.

           One morning, to distract myself, I dressed up as a ruler and pretended to be the king of the dead. I was summoning my mother back to life. When I was doing this, I noticed my father storming out of the house. I quickly followed him. "Daddy? What's wrong?"

           "I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!" daddy yelled, whipping around, his eyes wide and his features distorted. He looked insane.

           "Daddy! Calm down! No you're not! What would you get out of killing him?" I said, for I knew that he was talking about the one that murdered mommy, "A life in jail? Harry, Seppen and I would have to live away from you. Please daddy, stop."

           He collapsed and hung his head. "You're right," he moaned, his clenched fists lowering. "You're right." He looked so young, but so old at the same time. He looked weary. "Get your brother and pack your things. We're going home."

           Ten minutes later, daddy was phoning someone so we could get out of this place. This horrid place where we would never return. "Of course you can arrange for a flight out of here—I'm a king for crying out loud!" When he was done, he massaged his temples and said nothing to us. 

           I examined Harry's face with dismay. He looked so much like mommy. The same hair, the same eyes, the same nose. I felt bad for him, because daddy refused to look his way. Harry was too busy grieving to worry about that, however.

           We phoned Seppen to tell her that we were coming home early, but nothing else. She didn't ask many questions, probably 'cuz she just woke up, but I thought that she knew something was up. We didn't call Bert. I didn't ask why. Bert was at his boarding school, innocent of the troubles back at home.
           I never thought that I would ever call my oldest brother innocent.

           Soon enough, though, daddy felt too guilty and called him up. Bert was devastated. He was home just in time for the funeral. I never understood that word. There was no fun in death.
           Daddy didn't invite any of mommy's friends, or outside of our family. He said that there would be a proper one for all the grownups later. It was really private, in the place where grampa and gramma were kept. There was a picture of mommy hung up on the wall that was taken on our trip. It was nice to see Bert again, but it was terrible that it was under such circumstances.
           Daddy wailed really hard. I wanted to throw my arms around him and comfort him, but I knew that he just needed time. Lots of it. He had to deal with his pain in his own way.

           It was hard for all of us. Bert and I didn't cry. For Bert, his time at military school had dried up his tear ducts and stiffened his spine. And for me... why, I was probably just too shocked. Whenever I looked at Sep or Harry, it was so painful. They looked so much like mommy. Daddy couldn't look them in the faces, so he probably felt the same way too.
           We didn't speak much, then. Tiny whimpers of sympathy, but most of it was daddy. He talked about how no one believed that she was real when they were younger, and how he had to fight so hard to make it all count. Most of all, he talked about how much he loved her.
           There was nothing fun about death.

           After that, for the next few days that we had off until school, everyone did there own thing. Any food we eat was leftovers from the fridge, and anything we did was in a daze.
           I saw daddy the most, because he was always outside, taking care of the dying plants that gramma used to take care of. He still dressed like he always did, and wore his hair the same as he always did, but somehow, he just wasn't the same.

           Bert was burning off energy by training, as he always did. It seemed to be his only form of relief, and the only time when I could see the real him. He had to be doing some kind of sport. Still, between the fuzz on his head and the pimples on his face, I knew there were some parts of him that he was self-conscious about. Despite the army's attitude of looks not mattering, Bert was human. Sometimes, on his Skype calls to us, he would express his jealousy at our family's porcelain skin. Even in the short time that he was here, I caught him popping a zit. That was enough to make me feel ill.

           Seppen, once more dressed in white, creatively expressed herself by making beautiful artwork. She told me, before the funeral, that although mourners should dress in black, white symbolized purity, and often, the heavens. She said that by wearing white, she was bringing herself that much closer to mom.
           I silently thought that she just wanted an excuse to wear white, but because I enjoyed white as well, I didn't argue.

           My twin was entertaining himself the same way Uncle Buzz did, with experiments. He mentioned something about a ghost potion and ambrosia, so I couldn't help but be afraid that he would try to bring mommy back. It wasn't that I didn't want mommy back. I did, I truly did. But she wouldn't be made of flesh or bones. I wouldn't be able to hug her. There would always be that distance. And then, if she couldn't die, then she would have to watch everyone she loved die around her...
           I just hoped that Harry wouldn't figure it out. It would be hard to grieve someone that might come back to life. I didn't want that hope. I just wanted to be certain about something in my life. Certain that mommy was gone. Certain that if I died, she would be waiting there for me.

           Meanwhile, I had two buddies to comfort me. One was Flame, who really trusted me. He would nuzzle me when I was down or stick out his soft snout for me to stroke. Daddy didn't want me to dress in the replica of the one I wore as a toddler. He said that now that I was getting older, it was time to start dressing like a lady.
           It made me sad, but I wore a dress like he wanted. It was white and gold and red, but not even the slightest bit of blue. Sep even said that I looked pretty in it, but it wasn't any good. I didn't want to look pretty. I wanted to wear the dress.

           There was one other person that was there for me. Stefan. When I went over to his house, he was all excited, asking me how my trip was and did I eat a frog and did I know how to speak French. Telling him what happened was horrible. But he hugged me really tight when I told him, and wouldn't let go for a long while. Eventually, I told him about the nice parts of my trip. Of the other kids there, and the song I learned. He was impressed by my pronunciation of the words and told me that I was really good at singing. I was proud of that. He said that I probably got it from my gramma.

           Time passed, and we got older and more mature. Daddy had transitioned into a state of hollowness and empty thought. All he did was fight crime, barely coming home to eat or sleep. I didn't want to say it, but we were in a state of neglect.
           Bert was working away in his final year at military school, and Harry and I were just starting high school. Seppen had two more years of schooling, and Flame had grown into a big, strong horse. We took care of ourselves. I mainly took care of Flame, since he needed to eat, get brushed, get exercise, and have his manure shoveled (which I used for fertilizer in the garden), while Seppen and Harry handled the food and cleaning. Stefan was my release from all the troubles at home and the anxiety of waiting for daddy to come home. It wasn't fun staying in a big ol' home with no adults around.
           School wasn't much better. The other girls were mean to me, calling me names and excluding me from their group. Stefan said it was because I was so pretty. He ate lunch with me every day.

           Using one of daddy's once-in-a-blue-moon bonding opportunities, Sep learnt how to drive. She and daddy didn't do much talking, apparently. They just drove in stony silence. Since Sep's such a natural, she didn't need much driving anyway. But since she didn't have her G2 yet, she had to have an adult in the car while she drove.
           If mommy was still around... well... she wasn't.
           Well. Anyway. Seppen got her G2.
           Frankly, life sucked. Daddy was depressed. It brought down everyone's mood. I hadn't felt truly happy in weeks. Flame kept my own spirit going, and I enjoyed spending time with Stefan, but between the bullying at school and Seppen's cold exterior, I felt pretty lonely. Bert was gone, so it was just Harry and me.
           Maybe all I needed was a long talk with my twin.

           "Hey, Harry?"
           "What's up, sis'?"
           Harry's hair was all matted and slick with sweat. His latest obsession was body building. But no matter how much he worked out, he never gained any muscle. We always told him that he was just skin and bones, and he would need to eat more if he wanted to be stronger, but he never listened.
           "Well... Harry, do you think our family's kind of messed up?"
           The smile slid off of his face and he frowned. "What do you mean?"
           I knew that even though we were born the same day, Harry still thought he was much mature than I was, so I would have to be serious about this. "Mommy—mom—is dead," even just those words caused my lips to quiver and I bit them to steady myself, "and dad is obsessed with work. He's rarely home. Bert is gone. Seppen Hiver is lost in her artwork... it seems like it's just us and Flame."
           He sighed an all too familiar slightly condescending sigh that I had heard so many times before. "Now, Yuki," he started, sounding like an older parent, "just because we have our rifts and issues doesn't mean we don't love each other."
           "Cut the crap." As soon as I spat out the last word I felt stupid. Harry's face looked startled, but ultimately, hurt. "Sorry. It's just..." Oh, no. Here came the tears. "I hate being stuck in this house with barely any outside connection. It'll drive me bonkers."

           "I... I know what you mean, Yuki. I feel the same." He brushed his hand through his hair, looking pained. "Quite honestly, I've been considering going out with this one girl for a long time, but I'm sort of afraid that she'll reject me."
           "What? Really?"
           "Or that when she finds out about our family situation she'll be turned off."
           "No, Harry, go for her!" I had never heard my brother talk about a girl before, so this was pretty exciting. "Who is it? Do I know her?"
           "Probably, since our school is so small and we're in the same grade. Say, speaking of which, this is weird, but I have this friend that said he liked you. I think it'd be good if we spent time with people outside of our house and lead normal lives. What d'you say? He's cool, and really nice," Harry said, looking more cheery. Starting to pull out his phone, he continued, "I can show you some photos of him, if you want—"
           "Thanks, Harry, but it's fine. I don't know the kid. If I went out with someone, it'd be someone that I've been friends with for a while."
           "Eh? But you don't have many friends, Yuki. I'm just saying..."
           "I have Stefan."
           Harry looked revolted suddenly, and shook his head. "Stefan? Yuki! He's the biggest douchebag in the school! He's so pretentious! Please, stay away from him."

           "But Harry, he's my best friend! I can't stay away from him anyway, our parents practically married us off when we were six!" I had never really considered Stefan in that way, however. He had gotten really cute over the years, and we had had our romantic moments, to be sure... I trusted him with my life and knew so much about him. He had defended me through everything.
           Still shaking his head in dismay, Harry's rant continued, "He's using you, Yuki Blanche. Everyone always says that you're the prettiest girl in school. Obviously I disagree, but—"
           "Hey!"
           "—but Stefan is a total typical jock. All the girls want him. He's on the football team. He wears that stupid varsity jacket. He acts like he's nice to everyone but he's a total dick, really. Do you know how many girls he's banged?"
           "What? Stefan has never—"
           "Louise, Harriet, Hazel, Pam, Ana, Courtney, Katelan, Yasmine, Trish, Laura, Taz... He has gotten in every one of their pants and has told the entire school about it."
           "What? Did you hear it from him?" I couldn't believe it. It couldn't be true...
           "No, I heard it from Marcus."
           "Just because he's our cousin doesn't mean it's true! Those girls could have lied! You said it yourself! They all w-want him," I stuttered, tears leaking down my face.
           The sigh returned. "Yuki. You're right. Our family is messed up. But it doesn't mean you have to feel that you need to get married to another prince and make it all right."
           "I just want to help..."
           "Do what's best for you, sis." And with that, he returned to the exercise machine.

           A few weeks later, I went back to talk to Harry again, to see if I could convince him to change his mind. Ever since that talk with him, I started getting nervous around Stefan and my palms started sweating ever so slightly. Although Stefan wasn't my parent or nothing, it'd still be nice to have my brother's support on the guy I liked.

           He wasn't anywhere near the workout area, though. However, on my way back down, I heard some angry voices. With my head poking up above the stairs, I watched a fight unravel between my dad and my sister.

           "I'm extremely disappointed in you, Seppen Hiver Casmin!"

           "God! Quit screaming out that name! I hate it so much!"

           "Your mother chose it for you, so I'll use your full name if I damn well please!"

           "I don't care if God Himself chose it, it's the stupidest name I've ever heard!"

           "How dare you speak about your mother's choices that way! They're a hell of a lot better than the ones you've made recently! You're just like your aunt!" 

           Our aunt? Auntie Sandy? What had she ever done?

           Daddy looked super threatening, and I could tell he was angry. "Seppen Hiver Casmin," he bellowed again, "your mother would be extremely disappointed in you!"

           "DAD! All I did was smoke a blunt! I need an escape from this hell hole!"

           "How dare you speak that way to me! Your actions were inexcusable!"

           "Inexcusable?" Seppen scoffed, "At least I'm not a neglectful father that lets his family rot to death and go crazy with boredom! You don't give a crap about us! All you do is work, and when you do come home, it's to pull crap like this!"

           "ENOUGH! ENOUGH, GO TO YOUR ROOM YOUNG LADY! YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF THIS YEAR. NO PAINTING. NO COMPUTER. NO NOTHING," he snarled, his hands waving wildly, "You want to know what it feels like to die of boredom? What it feels like to live in Hell? Well, you're about to experience it."

           Shaking, I darted down the stairs and into my room before either of them could see me. I crawled into my bed, silent tears crashing down my face and soaking my pillow. I didn't know what a blunt was, but there was no way that it was worth all this fuss. There was so much venom in their voices.

           A second later, Seppen ran into the room, slamming the door behind her and racing to her bed, nearly knocking me out of the top bunk as she did so. She sobbed loudly for half an hour before drifting off to sleep. I waited another hour, then when I was sure that she was asleep, I crawled into her bed and curled up next to her. 

           When I woke up, I was still in her bed, but she was nowhere to be seen.

           A week or two later, Stefan asked me to the Spring Festival. I was giddy with excitement to go with him, but still nervous about Harry's warning to keep away. By the time we got there, it was overcast with possibility of rain. We ducked inside a photobooth to keep warm, and ended up just taking pictures.

           "Aw, these are really cute, Stefan," I said, smiling happily at the picture. Although Harry would probably flip a table if he saw those... Well, Harry could just stuff it! I was sick of him ruling my life! Seppen was right. There needed to be a change around here, and it wouldn't happen if we did everything we were told to do.

           "Er, Yuki, it's raining pretty hard... do you think we could continue this somewhere dry?" 

           "Don't be such a baby," I teased, "I brought an umbrella."

           "At least one of us is smart."

           I pulled out my umbrella and he nudged in closer to me to stay under the umbrella. Close enough that I could lean in and just kiss him. Kiss those plump lips and his pale skin and pink cheeks and slip nose... 

           But he was wearing that stupid varsity jacket that Harry had been talking about before. He had a matching beanie that covered his soft, brown hair. Gee. And he was such a little dork when we were kids. We wore matching capes and he had that silly hat with the rose. He used to have an underbite and a clean haircut and was honestly just the biggest geek. Now... his hair was long and he had filled out. He had gotten muscular.

           Our eyes met, and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing about me. Or about how I hadn't really changed, underneath it all. I didn't think he had, either, but now... I wasn't sure.

           "It's getting pretty cold," I breathed, although my cheeks were so flushed that I was nearly sweating, "Let's go back to my house."

           We hustled home and I started a fire to warm us up. Poor Stefan was soaked, his teeth chattering and body shaking. I sat down next to him, and as the heat from the fireplace warmed the room, he dried off. 

           "So, Yuki," he said, turning towards me, "It's been a while since I've just asked you how your day has been going. How's life?"

           I plastered on a smile for a split second, prepared to spit out the pre-decided answer of 'fine', but something stopped me. Something about sitting here next to him in that room, with all of the troubles of my family weighing on me and an overwhelming urge to tell someone other than my horse. "Terrible," I said, and started ranting. "My mom died. My dad is psycho and totally flipped at my sister the other day, who's going through some issues and just needs someone to listen to her. Bert is in military school, and we haven't heard from him in ages. I think he's trying to distance himself from this family. Not to mention that Harry, who I thought that I could trust and confide in, tried to set me up with one of his friends, if you can believe it, while all the girls at the school make fun of me for any reason that they can find. I'm sick and tired of living like this."

           "Your brother tried to set you up with one of his friends?"

           "Yeah." Really? Out of this whole ordeal, that was what he took away from my mess? Maybe Harry was right. Maybe he was pretentious. 

           "Which one?"

           "What? I don't know, Stefan, I have other things on my mind," I snapped, irritated. 

           He blinked, slowly, and I felt a twinge of guilt. "You're right. I'm sorry, Yuki, I don't mean to be insensitive, it's just a lot to take in. I guess I just assume that you don't have any problems because you're beautiful and smart."

           My heart skipped a beat. "You think I'm smart?"

           "And beautiful. You're the most gorgeous girl in the entire school. You're the prettiest girl I've ever met."

           

           There was a pause as I absorbed this information. Then he sneezed into the crook of his arm. 

           "Are you still cold?" I asked, surprised. He probably should have taken off his jacket.

           "Not that bad, but a little chilly, yeah," he replied, offering me a sweet smile.

           "Here, I'll warm you up," I joked, wrapping my arm around him tightly. My 'joke' wasn't laughed at after all, and I found myself staring into Stefan's eyes, mere inches from his face. 

           "Yuki," he murmured, and my breath caught in my throat, "You know, I really like you."

           "I really like you too," I whispered, my words barely leaving my mouth.

           The gap between our lips slowly lessened, and I could feel my eyes closing, although I wanted to take in his handsome features for as long as possible. 

           "You know," he uttered, our noses touching, "I've dreamt about being with you for a long time, Yuki. I just didn't want anything to get in the way of our friendship."

           "Uh huh..." His words were soft and wonderful, and sweet as honey and as warm as his breath.

           "I really, really respect you." 

           Every word he spoke was one more second between my lips and his. I leaned in before I went mad.

           My lips slammed against his in a more aggressive manner than I had intended, but he responded gently, pulling me in closer to him and wrapping his hand over mine. He kissed me slowly, top lip over top, then over bottom. There was a bit of teeth, a bit of pulling on my lip, and touch of tongue now and again. To my dismay, I released a tiny moan, and was suddenly aware that I was in one of the most central rooms of the house, where Harry, or, even worse, my dad, could discover me swapping spit with my childhood friend.

           I guess we were more than that, now. 

           Some way or another, his lips traced their way to my neck, sucking and biting with fervent intensity. I didn't want to do something that involved any amount of pain, but I also didn't want him to stop...

           But he had to. I gently lifted his chin, gave him one last kiss, then leaned back against the couch.

           I kept my arm wrapped around him and sat with a woozy smile, giddy and dazed. Harry was wrong. Absolutely wrong. Stefan was perfect. He was wonderful, in every way. He was handsome and kind and generous. Best of all, he was a prince. The blood would run blue again. It would make grampa proud.

           Although, grampa had married gramma out of love. Even though she was a commoner, a slave to her step-mothers and step-sisters, he had loved her dearly and married her because of that.

           "I love you, Yuki," Stefan said, and my heart nearly stopped.

           "I love you too, Stefan," I replied. I wasn't sure if I did. I certainly did as a friend, but romantically? I couldn't say that I was in love with him. But after all, what was one supposed to do in situations like those?

Maybe Harry would know. 

Yeah, right.